Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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