Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
