Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
