did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
