I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
