he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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