im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
