I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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