Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
