All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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