dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
