I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize