I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
