Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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