me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
