I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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