I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
