dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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