Too much gin, very little bucket
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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