We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
