Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
