but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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