I want to walk on stilts...naked
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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