You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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