new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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