Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
