You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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