I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
