I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
