Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
