M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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