I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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