I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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