apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
we're making bets on your personal life
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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