just tell him i said nine months
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize