you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
