I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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