Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
