And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
