you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
