i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
