I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
