Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize