My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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