if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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