I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
