God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's shark week go big or go home
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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