mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
