Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
