i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
