guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize