The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
