Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
