just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
