nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
