So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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