you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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