My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
