I want to walk on stilts...naked
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
